Prodigal Medic....

So let mercy come 
And wash away 
What I've done 

I'll face myself 
To cross out what I've become 
Erase myself 
And let go of what I've done 

Put to rest
What you thought of me 
Well I cleaned this slate 
With the hands 
Of uncertainty 

So let mercy come 
And wash away 
What I've done 

I'll face myself 
To cross out what I've become 
Erase myself 
And let go of what I've done 

For what I've done 
I start again 
And whatever pain may come 
Today this ends 
I'm forgiving what I've done

-- Partial Lyrics to "What I've Done" by Linkin Park

So, with the change of my song and this new blog, it would seem that I have flipped my emotional lid and gone totally bipolar. Instead, I find myself with some renewed clarity thanks to some new friends and old friends speaking truth into my life. The sources spoke there came from three of the most unlikely allies in what on the surface would appear to be random conversations. However, on further reflection, considering the way these things happened, it is nothing more simple than God working to heal one of his children.

"Carry those blessings with you with pride!" was the comment my friend Myriam had for me today. After a long period of not talking with her due to random circumstances, I was able to catch up with her for a while toady. I shared the pain of a betrayal from someone I loved dearly and the almost unbearable weight that has burdened me with over the course of the last month and half. I have found myself "accused" by them as they have systematically attacked my sense of self and my desire to love the world around me. [ADD Moment: If Satan is our accuser, does that mean someone like this, an accuser that speaks in direct contradiction who we are created to be, is operating as one who comes from that same place spiritually? That doesnt make sense, does it?] Myriam is a dear friend. She is a Jewish hippie, by her own description. One of the greatest nights of my life was having a discussion of Lauren Winner's "Girl Meets God" over organic basil, garlic and tomato pasta with some good wine and literally rehashing the book of Romans over the course of three or four hours almost verbatim - and she had never opened a Bible before! Anyway, after hearing what I had to say about this current situation that I have been wrestling with was to share some of her thoughts that stand in direct contradiction to that which she pulled from her experience of her Judaism and her knowledge of the Torah and her belief that I was created by God to be the way I am. How wonderful that even though we stand in disagreement about the arrival of Mashiach (Messiah in Hebrew), she is still able to affirm me and defend me with the words of the original testament. What a blessing that is to me!

I also had a great word from my old Young Life area director. He told me today that it was an honor to serve with me. I say this not to toot my own horn, but again, because God drew people around me today to show me that Satan has no power in my life. No matter what Satan could throw at me, God spoke even more loudly and clearly. Grant, my old area director, was always someone that I butted heads with. I was much less into "mission" and more into "relationship" but we definately came to respect each other. In fact, Grant is one of the Christian men that I love serving with most now. We still disagree on many things. But almost never have I seen a Godly man so willing to express his love for his wife and children, to easily and humbly ask forgiveness or to ask a question of someone and to respond with heartfelt emotion. His compliment today again attacked the lies of the accuser. It was as if all the things I had questioned about myself or how I chose or hope to live such as those things as service and expressiveness and a hope of humility were soothed by his words almost immediately. 

Finally, I have had the pleasure this week of serving with a Catholic priest named Father Joe. He is a guy from Lafayette, LA and is just an amazing older guy. I'd guess he's about 60 or so, but he looks like mid to late 40's because he is so fit. Quite a few of the kids from his area at camp have gotten hurt or sick, with things ranging from broken ribs to dislocated knee to diabetic issues. Tonight, after checking on a kid who had fractured his leg, I ran into a couple of the other leaders from Lafayette, including Father Joe. On the way out the door, he stopped me and grabbed my hand with both of his and said "Tim, you have a good spirit. We have needed you this week, and the Lord has blessed us with you as our helper." He totally emphasized the word "good" too. WOW! What a compliment. One of the things that hurt most from the accuser was the weapon wielded against me that said "Tim, you love to be needed and I dont need you and no one else does either." Father Joe spoke as if he knew that I needed to know that being needed is ok! We are not meant to live alone. We are meant to be in community, needing each other and depending on each other to make it through. Its even ok to want to be needed and its even better to need someone else... Plus, it came from a Father, and if you know my obsession with monks, that made the affirmation all the sweeter!

And now back to Linkin Park. Truly one of my favorite bands, and has been since I first heard them about six years ago. This song, and the words spoken by these people really got me thinking tonight. Got me thinking that with the affirmation from all of these people, led by God to this place this week and to speak these words, that I can forgive myself. But I am not going to forgive myself for the things I was blaming myself for. Those things like emotion and desire to connect and the desire for real sacrificial love and to be loved in return and all the other things I was accused of being. What I am going to truly forgive myself for is believing those lies. I AM made the way I was supposed to be. God DOES know every hair on my head. God does NOT make mistakes. And God DID NOT make a mistake with me.....

I am so thankful that God use "a priest, a jewish hippie and an Japanese evangelical" (does that sound like the beginning of a joke or what?) to speak so much healing truth into my life. I pray that your eyes are sensitive to God moving in your lives this week and that you are able to embrace the Loveability that comes with being children of the God of the Universe...

May we all find that sense of self apart from our accusers and instead in the power of the heart knowledge that we are God's trophies....