Prodigal Medic....

There is so much pressure right now. Pressure to succeed, pressure to heal, pressure to be someone that I am not always. I am struggling to find my own voice. My tendency is to compartmentalize, internalize and then file whatever is bothering me away in some distant vault in my head, leaving the memories there to explode at a later date, on some poor someone who triggers the same emotion. I have to fight this. I have to understand and realize and give myself permission to be myself, to be social when I want, to withdraw when I want and to not to feel guilty for any of it. I hope that the people around me understand this. I’m not sure that they will. I have this sneaking suspicion that they instead will manufacture all manner of reasons in their heads that I will be found guilty of “friendship treason” aka not sharing what I’m thinking, not giving proper reason or notice, or providing enough details. I was reading in a book the other day by Don Miller about how his friend described being in love. He was talking about how as close as he was to his wife, there was a place that she would never know. I think that in our current churchy/Christian culture, there is a tendency to want to know everything about another person. Sometimes though, the hiding place of a person’s heart and the relationship of working the inner workings of that heart in relation to God needs to be worked out, alone (not lonely), in quiet (not conversation) and in peace (not busyness).

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I was talking to a friend the other day about a broken relationship in their life. As I thought more and more about this, one thing they said really stuck in my mind. It was the thought that in so many ways, we are so afraid of disappointing those around us that hope for something in our lives that they would see as best for us. This might be in romantic relationships, parental expectations of their children, our own thoughts of career or educational goals and dreams. There are a myriad of what these expectations might be. Lord knows I have enough of them myself about myself and in doing so, have found myself highly disappointed or questioning my ability to hear God “speak.”

I wonder when it became en vogue to hear “God speak.” (By speak, I mean those that hear the tangible words spoken to them. I wonder if this is one of the trends of the church, such as how we express our relationships to Jesus. Is it “being moved by the Power of a Great Affliction”? Is it “having a personal relationship with Jesus”? Is it some other generational expression that in 100 years, fellow believers will look and laugh at our “outdated” expression of faith?) I understand that Jesus told us that we’d never be alone and that the Spirit of God came to be with us at Pentecost, but really, where does it say that God will answer us with direct guidance in any tangible way? I can only think of the verse:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in all things, with prayer and petition, make your requests known to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Does this really mean that God will speak to us and tell us what we want to hear or need to hear or how to dress for the day or what to think of to read or how to speak or anything like that??? I think that too often it would be easy to manipulate or create self-serving prophecy. At the same time, I can think in my life where I felt led to talk to a stranger, to share a meal with someone, or to sit with them and help them ease their pain.

I felt a similar sense to what my friend was sharing though in two distinct ways. I’ve felt for a long time that those that claim to hear God speak so directly and who are so vocal about how they have this connection with God have made me feel over and over (and I completely understand how unintentional it has been) that for some reason, I might be “less than” in my faith. There is a certain sense of pride that exists with this type of language. There was also the similar feeling of how some people cant seem to do much of anything if they don’t hear from God. Some seem to wait and wait, and I just feel that for me, there is a time and place to just trust that God might even trust me enough to allow me to make decisions or wear certain clothes or even fail on my own, because that is what is necessary for me to grow as an individual.

As I said before, I have been led to certain things by a silent urging in my heart to do something. I don’t hear words. I don’t see writing in the clouds. I know God spoke through a burning bush, through prophets, his Son, and even an ass. Maybe the way I’m wired, I hear less from the buring bush or the cloud of fire than I do from the asses in the world. Asses are my kind of people anyways… broken, beaten-down, lopsided.

My greatest fear is that in this expectation of hearing God speak is that these expectations of things working out in a certain way that there develops this weird type of god-inspired/christian dysfunctionality. What if instead of expecting things for people (relationships, living situations, education, profession, etc) we just let people live. My friend is legitimately worried to share how things are in their life right now with friends and family for fear of disappointing them. How understandable. I’ve been there. How sad, too.

I pray for my friend and I that we can both find the freedom to be honest, and that our friends will show us the grace we need by not placing expectations on us, but letting us work things out in our own lives. I’m not saying at all that I don’t value the advice of my friends. I know full-well that if I were left to my own devices just how destructive that would be. I just hope that their guidance or expression of how they each uniquely hear God leading them comes in gentleness and encouragement, and not fragile, detrimental and broken expectation or pride.

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I am constantly amazed at how God uses our brokenness to heal others. there is validation and redemption in this process. This summer, I listened intently to the “Life Signs” part of a week at Woodleaf. Typically, I avoid this. However, this last month, a dear and precious friend of mine was sharing her story. Listening to her as she shared her life as she was in high school, and in speaking more with her, I heard the brokenness and pain inflicted on her as she was growing up. For once, the story penetrated my heart. I’ve had friends share in this way before, but it has never touched me like this. At the same time, I heard other people, some that I’ve known for years, and others that I’ve just met share similar stories of pain, heartache and all the ways they tried to hide this darkness in their hearts. In fact, one of the stories very much paralleled my own. What I saw on the other side of this was the redemption of all of this pain that took place. It was always unlikely, always surprising. It always seemed unreal who would connect with which of the four speakers, and how God’s appointments to speak to high school kids was always fulfilled. As I spoke with my friend, I heard story after story of people seeing God in the lives of those who shared, and in many cases, the lives of everyone who served this summer at Woodleaf, and I’m sure who chose to live lives that demonstrate Jesus to the world through acts of love and service and meeting people in their own context and culture. I pray for more opportunities like this in my life, to deepen the relationships that I have with people who don’t believe in Jesus, and who are outside of the walls of our religious ghettos. I don’t want to miss these rich opportunities and in the in between time, I hope to always share stores with those that are living this in their own day to day lives and being deeply encouraged by them. I’m so thankful for friends that are willing to share these success stories, no matter how intense and in doing so, continue to allow me to work out my own salvation with wonder and amazement.

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One of the hardest things for me is the feeling of replacement… Like Woody in “Toy Story” there are times when I have felt that I have invested a lot into people. Given time, energy, heart and soul. There has often been a time to share these friendships with other people. This has actually always been a source of pride for me, that my friends and friendships would be compatible. I’ve thought that if I had all my friends gathered on an island together for a long period of time, we’d have a mind-blowing party, celebrating our lives and time together. There are also times though, when I fear that while everyone else would be partying and enjoying each other’s company, I would be the forgotten one in the corner, wishing that people remembered me. Is it that I am an outdated friend? I don’t think so. The failed, broken and insecure part of me feels that the bigger issue is more that I don’t have the qualities that make one person more attractive to another… whether it is intangible qualities like humor, mystery or conversational skill, or physical traits or characteristics or just that general vibe that someone else is worth spending more time with than me. Its something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I probably will for a while longer. I just pray that the lies are quieted through the right kind of spontaneous affirmation from friends who really care. Jesus, let me see me as you do. Amen.

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