Prodigal Medic....

I hear you crying three stories high
You?ve placed too many stairs for me to climb, for me to climb
Can you hear me? I’m calling your name.

It’s the distance between you and me
Sometimes the distance is all I see
Sometimes it’s easier to go, easier to leave
Than to cross this distance between you and me

I watch the sunrise and wait for you
You smile politely as you pass through, as you pass through
Can you hear me? I’m calling your name

It’s the distance between you and me
Sometimes the distance is all I see
Sometimes it’s easier to go, easier to leave
Than to cross this distance between you and me

Bridge:
Just this once, we could say all the words that fall between
If it’s too late than say so or we can spend our lives behind concrete walls so far away.

It’s the distance between you and me
Sometimes the distance is all I see
Sometimes it’s easier to go, easier to leave
Than to cross this distance between you and me

"The Distance" from the album "Raise The Sun" by Five A.M.
___________________________________________________________

What a great song. Its a new band to me, called Five A.M., a local band to the North Bay. I guess that tonight, well, for the last two or three weeks actually, this one song captures the lonliness in my heart, because for me, this lonliness is not self-imposed. Were I to have the chance, I would join my heart with another. But for now, for this season maybe, this is what my song should be:

"You?ve placed too many stairs for me to climb, for me to climb
Can you hear me? I’m calling your name.

It’s the distance between you and me
Sometimes the distance is all I see
Sometimes it’s easier to go, easier to leave
Than to cross this distance between you and me."

Its both frustrating and lonely, because I truly feel that to earn the right to be in this person’s life, I need to be patient and to let time and God do some work in their heart first. I’m know for certain that other guys are just drawn to appearance or job or the more visible facets of one’s existence. But it raises yet another question: How much of attraction is choice and how much is chemistry/romance/whatever? I’ve heard it said so often that love is a choice. That’s how God loves us and allows us to enter into that love relationship with him. But for someone like me, who needs touch and tangible evidence of a relationship, its hard sometimes to believe in the invisible. So instead, I have to chose to love what is hard for me, even though I know that to which I respond with in my heart is the best thing for me, even though it takes as much choice as it does divine romance. And the line about "Just this once, we could say all the words that fall between/If it’s too late than say so or we can spend our lives behind concrete walls so far away." I hate living behind these concrete walls of our external making. All I want is a chance. A chance to care, and to let care grow into affection into love and relationship. So often I think my walls are added to because I find myself buying into the "american dream" of what a woman should be without looking deep in her heart and soul. When I do look there, I just wonder what they see looking back, because I hear the voices telling me that I am not the "american dream" of what the perfect guy should be. I hate comparing myself like that to unreasonable standards. But then again, don’t we all? BLAH. 

More questions on a Friday night. I need to turn my brain off for a while.