Prodigal Medic....

wounds….

I've been thinking about wounds a lot. The kind that people leave. Sometimes the scars are so visible, physical trauma left in a fit of rage, random violence or apparent random chance. Other times, it can be hidden. Infection oozing poison and destroying our bodies, hearts and minds, leaving untold damage.

I have tons of expertise in dealing with the physical wounds. In fifteen years as a paramedic, I've seen my share. I feel comfortable with them. Honestly, they don't scare me any more. I am not afraid of either the pain in someone else's body, nor the fear that I am at risk as Well. Crazy as it may seem, I am just comfortable with that thought. My good friend H and I were talking about it a couple weeks ago as she was processing a close call with a death at work. She agreed that our hearts have so much peace because of our faith, our honest belief that our souls are protected and have been spoken for. I couldn't have said it better.

But this thing with the emotional wounds, that's what always gets me. I have seen countless times in my life where I have left myself, most often unwisely, open and exposed to those that would wound me. Some of the times, I admit, its been my own insecurity and fear that have left me in those places of danger, looking for my sense of identity, security or value in another person, or a title, or a job. And there are definitely times, although few because I just don't involve myself at a deep level with those that are that blatantly harmful to me. I don't allow myself to be a victim, taking another's abuse as my lot in life. 

But there are times, when careless words and actions have also left deep wounds. This is the type of wound that I find most confusing. Even when those close to us wound us, there is usually a reason, something that provoked them. But the casual and careless disregard for another is just horrible. It's dehumanizing, a way of being viewed that is a frontal assault on our value. I don't think that people realize how deep this can cut. I don't think they realize how far reaching – even long after their association with us – these wounds really are. For them, it's about convenience, possibly a lack of conflict with someone else, or even just out of convenience. 

I wish there was a way to explain these experiences away. I wish there was a to disregard this careless behavior. To acknowledge it as boneheaded and selfish, but to not place blame, to not feel that hurt at all. But honestly, I cant do that. I hold the grudge. I pray for peace and grace and healing. Each does come slowly in time, this is true. But it's the time of it that bothers me the most. Because its time that, as I try to address some of these things with these people, they loose the perspective of the harm they do. They lose their awareness of their actions. And in doing so, they lose part of me, as my heart becomes transparent as I share my hurt, then invisible as they disregard what has happened because they just see things from their perspective, without checking to see where the ripples of the cosmic rock they just threw will land, and unaware that to some, those ripples are more like tidal waves, washing away parts of our hearts.